Friday, July 9, 2010

Ten. nine. eight. seven. six...

So the count down has begun in earnest.

It started on the 24th of August 1989 when they wheeled me by his incubator. He was just over four pounds and a little more than 18 inches long. Now he's somewhere in the neighborhood of six foot two... eyes of blue. never mind.

Back then the hardest thing about being a new mother was leaving him at the hospital when they said I had to go home. Now he is the one leaving and I am on a roller coaster of pride and fear and joy and emptiness.

I can't help but compare this loss to the loss of his brother. I believe Daniel is in heaven, safe and sound. Brian is headed out to only God knows what. At least Brian can come home for Christmas. That's what I keep telling myself, but it feels like grieving all the same. I believe that I have done the work that led to this moment, but suddenly I see all of my failures in bold strokes. As he is headed out the door he is doing inventory of all that will go with him. I wonder if he will remember that the part of my heart that he stole all those years ago is bound for Texas with him.

God, I pray that you will shield him from the shortcomings of his parents and from his own folly. Remind him that we are always his no matter how far away he goes. Keep him safe; help him find a job; keep him focused; help him find a job. Send him a mate that is meet just for him; keep his heart steady for her sake. But most of all, God, please send him home for Christmas.
amen.

3 comments:

Debbie said...

My heart is with you. My daughter was born the same day. She had complications at birth, too. The Lord pulled her through. But he left a somewhat over protective mother. She turns 21 this year and I know she'll be leaving soon, too. She's my only child. Reading your post almost made me hyperventilate....May God bless you and send you peace.

rthling said...

Why you gotta make me CRY?!?!

Oh, and amen.

My Goodness said...

Bittersweet.

He is an AWESOME fella...can't wait to see what God does through him!!

I'm here with tissues and a shoulder...