Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Okay... he's leaving tomorrow.

He got enough cash from family to buy a really good mattress and I am so glad. I offered to give him the relatively new set of sheets that I have, because I have decided that I don't really care for them. He declined because he didn't want to sleep on sheets that his parents might have "done anything" in.

alrighty then.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

two... one...

Okay, Brian now has an address. It's in another STATE. Thank goodness for Cymbalta. I'm just saying. He was wondering the other day why I wasn't hysterical yet. I suspect he just wants a little warning when all the emotion that has been building is gonna blow. I've got nothing. It's the drugs. That, and the fact that my working full time keeps me too busy to think a whole lot. But, I must be reacting on some subconscious level because I keep waking up with raging headaches from my TMJ. I hope that wears off eventually.

I wasn't planning to drive all the way to TX just to get him settled in his new apartment. He is almost 21 years old for heaven's sake. I made the reservations yesterday.

We are planning one last family day at six flags hurricane harbor because nothing says I am going to miss you like hurling yourself down a swirling pipe into a giant wave pool.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Five. Four. Three...

So this weekend was spent going thru all of Brian's clothes and shoes. Let me just say that my son has aLOT of shoes, which I think is a little weird for a guy. Almost no clothes; but a stink load of shoes.

We ended up with a bag of clothes to take, a bag of clothes that were going to good will, and a bag of clothes that were not even fit for good will. All of his laundry is currently done, which never happens; and now I need to take him shopping because they don't let them go to school naked. At least I hope not.

We bought him a box of his own pens; the kind he likes to steal from his daddy. I must be a bad mommy because I had a little chuckle the other day when I imagined him waking up one day with a migraine, stumbling to the medicine cabinet, and discovering that Excedrin doesn't just appear there. I giggle to myself a little when I hear him talking with his roommate about where to put the tv and the couch he is taking. They have no idea what they are doing, but there is really only one way to learn the details of life, other than standing in front of an empty medicine cabinet and realizing that you have to go to walmart and buy that stuff.

Speaking of Walmart... I need to stop on the way home. I went to the fridge the other day. We were out of butter. rats.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Ten. nine. eight. seven. six...

So the count down has begun in earnest.

It started on the 24th of August 1989 when they wheeled me by his incubator. He was just over four pounds and a little more than 18 inches long. Now he's somewhere in the neighborhood of six foot two... eyes of blue. never mind.

Back then the hardest thing about being a new mother was leaving him at the hospital when they said I had to go home. Now he is the one leaving and I am on a roller coaster of pride and fear and joy and emptiness.

I can't help but compare this loss to the loss of his brother. I believe Daniel is in heaven, safe and sound. Brian is headed out to only God knows what. At least Brian can come home for Christmas. That's what I keep telling myself, but it feels like grieving all the same. I believe that I have done the work that led to this moment, but suddenly I see all of my failures in bold strokes. As he is headed out the door he is doing inventory of all that will go with him. I wonder if he will remember that the part of my heart that he stole all those years ago is bound for Texas with him.

God, I pray that you will shield him from the shortcomings of his parents and from his own folly. Remind him that we are always his no matter how far away he goes. Keep him safe; help him find a job; keep him focused; help him find a job. Send him a mate that is meet just for him; keep his heart steady for her sake. But most of all, God, please send him home for Christmas.