Thursday, June 26, 2008

mid life crisis

After the kids left for camp, my sister convinced me to drag my lonely derriere up to stay with her at camp for a couple of days. I really had plans to stay home and wallow in my depression, darn it... but she just wouldn't listen.

I am feeling the pressure of the coming empty nest in the worst way. I have actually been dreading it for about ten years, but now the reality is upon me. I remember when I was a girl, dreaming about what I wanted to be when I grew up. While my dad was dreaming about my fast-paced career by which I would change the world, I was dreaming about raising sweet faced little cherubs and all the things that I would teach them and how I would love them and they would adore me.

Fast forward nineteen years and the end of life as I have known it is quickly approaching. Now what??? Go back to work, travel, stay in bed?? I don't really know what to do with my life. This is the bad part of having my children as young as I did and not having enough of them to fill up my forties. I should be excited about a new chapter, but mostly I just feel very tired.

My last pregnancy left me with some sort of auto immune disease (lupus??)... who knows! So, whatever I do with the rest of my life has to be tempered with my physical restrictions. Do you have any idea what chronic pain and fatigue can do to your attitude?? I need a job that I can do in my PJ's... maybe even from bed:) I guess it's a little late to pursue a career as a marine biologist. I have my bookkeeping degree, but that just doesn't sound like fun any more. I did my stint as a full charge bookkeeper. I didn't do a half bad job, but working for family has its own "rewards", if you know what I mean. I have also done a little child care, but the bad thing about that is that your day is measured by how many poopy diapers you have had to change. There is just something wrong about that... Hubby comes home, "how was your day??"...I say, "six poopy diapers". nuff said. So now, I am facing the REAL "this is the first day of the rest of your life" that they meant when I graduated from college. Fortunately, Bethany is just 15 so I have a little time left to "find" myself.

Maybe I will sow a few wild oats. No, wait it's too late for that... these days it's oatMEAL.

1 comment:

rthling said...

You need to do something with that pesky little sister of yours. She's such a brat sometimes!